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Knights and Daze

Knights and Daze

Catching up

Jim

Jim is now writing daily! He is also reading autobiographies of and interviews with his favorite actors to get re-inspired. Currently reading a series of interviews with Al Pacino, for example.

Mélanie

Melanie is still working on her books, several of which are scheduled to be released later this year. As summer is here, she is not tutoring as much, although other work continues to occupy her time.

Good news

They said that a hockey team in Las Vegas was folly. But in their first year, the Golden Knights have made it to the Stanley Cup! 

From Jim (or more accurately, Max von Regalbeezer and Phrytzie Phluphybottom): How to Fix Group Photos With Ex-Boyfriends: Replace Him With the Family Cat!

From Melanie: In 1998, She Found A Baby Buried Alive. 20 Years Later, They Reunite

Rants and Rabbit holes

Colin Kapernick still sucks, and is even less relevant with each passing day. His name will no longer be mentioned on our show, and actually wasn’t tonight.

Moving on from whats-his-name, we present our newest sketch, a CNN spoof that takes euphemism to its logical extreme. Welcome back our old friends Don, Christianne, Monica, and General Havoc!

 

Dog Abby

What do you do if you are a football widow and your husband just doesn’t care? Read Abby’s answer here.

Doggie Dollah

 

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Lead-in music by Purple Planet

Angelo Casino

Angelo Casino

If it can be made better, then it IS broken.”
~Angelo Casino

Our guest today has been blessed with the perfect name for the county is running for office in. Mr. Casino says on website that his promise to you is “a revitalized and modernized County Assessor’s Office that champions fairness, transparency, and efficiency.” He has served in the public capacity on several levels from working with the Department of Defense to teaching Social Studies at a local school. In this interview, Mr. Casino tells us a little more about him and his platform as the democratic candidate for the Clark County Assessor’s Office.

Mr. Casino is passionate about this position, and he was open about his desires to change things for the better. His focus is on transparency and ease of access.

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Exit music by Purple Planet

Football Widow – Dog Abby

Football Widow – Dog Abby

Dog Abby,

Back in high school, I fell in love with our high school football team’s quarterback. We got married a few years after graduation. His only dream was to become a professional player, but he was injured during a college game. He has resigned himself to working an office job, which he’s doing very well at. The problem is that he hasn’t gotten over his obsession with football. During the football season, I cease to exist in his world. I am what they call a football widow. I have brought this up with him several times over the years, only to be told that that’s what I should have expected.

He is already starting to talk about the upcoming football season, and I find myself getting on edge already. What am I to do about this? I know it’s his passion, but I feel like I am a nonentity for all those months. What should I do?

Wisconsin Football Widow

Dog Abby paw print

 

Dear Widow,

Mom says that your husband is a cheesehead. I do not know what that means, but I do like cheese. I would not want my head to be made of cheese, though, so maybe she means it as an insult. Either way, you may not like my answer: your husband is right.

What I mean is that you knew who he was when you married him. Even though you were very young and may have thought that he was going to grow out of things as you got older together, that is not how humans (or dogs) work. I will always love tennis balls, no matter how old I get. I will also always want to go swimming whenever I see water. It is part of who I am, and you cannot separate these parts out just because you do not like them. You could separate me from water, but it would only make me sad. You can wish people to change, but you cannot do the changing for them, and you cannot make them do any changes for you. Not changes that will make them happy, anyway. Plus, if you are nagging someone to do or not do something that only YOU want, why would they want to spend more time with you? You sound unpleasant.

That being said, there are many things that you can do for yourself and a couple of suggestions for him to consider, too.

First of all, why did he leave football? If he had both a love and talent for it, then he should be sharing that with anyone he can. He could coach for his old high school or college. He could coach for younger kids, or he could even write books. This would make him happier and then he would not have to live vicariously through the other professional players. He would actually be a professional footballer, just not the kind he sits and watches all season — he would be out doing, which is better! I would much rather sit in a puddle myself than watch other dogs swim on a TV show.

If he is happier doing what he really wants to do, you will be happier, too. He may still be obsessed with football, like I am with tennis balls, but he will actually be doing something about it, instead of just staring at something he is not doing.

My first suggestion for you is what I saw mom do with our friend Lexy. Lexy’s husband was into watching all sports — baseball, football, even soccer — so he was really boring for many months out of the year. Instead of getting upset, Lexy got involved with the one sport she liked (baseball), and they would go to games together, either at the stadium, at other people’s houses, or at bars. They would enjoy the game and have fun together. For the other sports, Lexy would have her own parties with the other sports widows. They would drink wine, go out to play pool, paint, have barbeques, or play other games together. Even though it was just mom and me for a while, we would go to these parties and boy were they fun! The guys who were watching the sports would get jealous and join us instead.

While I love swimming and tennis balls, mom and dad like totally different things, too. OK, mom DOES love to go swimming with me, but not all of the time. There are times that mom is writing or doing art or something else, so I go swimming without her. There are times that dad is acting or reading, so mom and I go swimming without him. There are times when both mom and dad are busy, so I go swimming alone or play with my kitties. We are each happy doing our own thing. Sometimes we all go on walks together. Then, we are all happy doing things together.

What is your thing? If you do not have a thing, boy, you better find out! I suggest looking for something that you are good at and enjoy and can do during football season. Then you will not be just a wife or a football widow, you will be a full person.

With love,

Abby

Racism towards Self (Why White Guilt is Even More Racist Than Racism)

Racism towards Self (Why White Guilt is Even More Racist Than Racism)

Recently, one of my friends — someone I respect and look up to for her intelligence and sense of humor — regaled us with a story of how she was pulled over for a bogus charge. She got a ticket for an infraction that was “iffy” at best, and she was more than angry. After receiving her ticket, the police officer, who was a total jerk to her throughout the transaction, asked her if she had any questions. In a form that made me want to cheer, she explained how she told Officer Not-so-Friendly off. I would have done the same. Most of my friends would, because these are the type of kick-ass friends I have.

“Then…” she said with a straight face, “my white guilt kicked in.”

At first I thought she was joking. Up until then, it was a light-hearted rant about how Officer Macho was a jerk and she got a ticket she did not deserve. We all commiserated. But this white guilt thing? Turns out she was serious. She actually felt guilt for being white because, as she explained (since I was clueless), if she had not been white, she would have been dragged out of her car on trumped-up charges and either arrested or killed.

Insert screeching record sound here. Um…what?!

No, really. She really believes this. In fact, she and another friend — whom I also think the world of — both gave me incredulous looks as if *I* were insane for not understanding their position. They even told me that they were not willing to discuss it with me because the “facts proved it,” and I was wrong in my belief that not Every. Single. Human. Being. Is. Racist.

What facts? I’ve done my homework, and I have found ZERO statistics that stack up to this appalling mindset. I scoured the FBI statistics, the Bureau of Crime, and arrest records for decades. Nothing backs up this claim. So, this is based on anecdotes and feelings, but I do not feel this way. According to these two educated, intelligent ladies, there is something wrong with ME.

Maybe it was my upbringing?

Growing out of self-hatred and feelings of uselessness did not come naturally to me. My parents were never on my side. I was not raised in the “everybody gets a trophy” generation, and I had to fight for everything I got. I continue to fight for everything I have. I know what it is like to wait in line for government cheese, and I know what it is like to go hungry for days. I know what it is like to get denied for rentals, denied for auto loans, denied for home loans, and denied for even the easy-to-get department store credit. I know what it is like to be told that I do not qualify for any sort of student aid (other than mercenary loans that will follow me the rest of my life) because of my skin color (really). I know what homelessness and hopelessness feels like. I know what it is like to be “the one” who stands out in a room full of “normal” people. I know what it is like to have your own mother tell you that you were a burden. I have lived most of my life hating myself simply for being born.

It took a lot of work to build enough self-worth to go on, work hard, and actually do something with my life.

Yet now I am supposed to look around me and feel guilty. Not for doing anything wrong. Not for harming anyone or wanting to harm anyone. Not for doing or saying anything to set anyone back. No, I am supposed to hate myself for being born “white.”

Not only that, but I am to feel guilty because EVERYONE else who is white is racist, and that is why I “get away” with more. I do not know a single person who is a racist – frankly, because I would not want anything to do with them if they were. I take that back. I guess now I do know some racists, I just did not realize it.

I honestly cannot look at a cop, a clerk, or any other person I do not know and assume they are racist. Everyone? All the time? What a horrific, terrifying world to live in! Why would anyone want to live like that? Plus, if every white person is a disgusting racist pig that should feel guilty for their evil, evil ways (which could literally consist only of lack of melanin), then that means if you are white, you must be racist against all minorities AND yourself, as well. You must judge and hate large groups of people on nothing but assumptions. We are not only supposed to apologize for it, we are to perpetuate it. This is in the name of “equality” and “justice?” No, this is in the name of indoctrination and slavery. My skin color does not determine my mindset, and how DARE you tell me that it must.

This ideology is hatred, and it is racism, and I do not want to live that way.

…so I do not.

If you say terrible racist things against my friends — black, brown, white, polka-dotted, or covered in yellow duckies — then you take me on: a non-apologetic, educated ginger. I will not feel guilty for being born, and neither should you.

Bring it on, fascists.

Carolyn Pelletier

Carolyn Pelletier

You want to captivate your audience and keep them entertained.”
~Carolyn Pelletier

Carolyn Pelletier was one of the first friends I made when I moved to Las Vegas. I met her first at Toastmasters — where she is quite the celebrity after having gone all the way to the semi-finals of the World Championship of Public speaking TWO YEARS IN A ROW! I met her again when another Toastmaster took me to an improv show, and I could not wait to start attending the workshops and share the stage with her and several of the other talented performers that we have had on this very show. Carolyn has it all: she works hard for a charitable organization, she’s cute, she’s funny, she sings, she speaks, she does stand up, and she’s an amazing storyteller. Oh, and men, she’s SINGLE! Just saying…

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Exit music by Purple Planet

Blood, Ice, and Veterans

Catching up

Jim

Jim wishes everyone a great Mothers Day. He has finished Philip K Dick’s masterpiece FLOW MY TEARS, THE POLICEMAN SAID (Thanks, Tessa!) Great, great novel. This has inspired him to continue writing. More stuff to come.

Our friend Jennifer (a real live Vegas chef) prepared a sumptuous meal for us on Wednesday in exchange for our feedback on a speech she is preparing. It was a great evening. Jennifer also came to Las Vegas Improvisational Players. We love friends like her!

Mélanie

Speaking of LVIP, our friends Mitch and Wendy came in from Seattle on Saturday and surprised Melanie by coming to the show. We will hopefully get to see them once more while they are here. As for Melanie, she had a successful live webinar on Wednesday, Essential Communication Techniques for Administrative Professionals. She has committed to finishing at least one book per year.

 

Good news

Our friends and past guests Darryl Small and Lauren Coe have tied the ol’ knot! Congratulations, love, and best wishes for a long, loving life together.

From Jim: Billionaire Opens New Mental Health Clinic In Colorado To Treat Veterans And Their Families This puts the lie (again) to all rich people being greedy and selfish.

 

From Melanie: Man Who Has Saved The Lives Of Over 2 Million Babies Makes His Final Blood Donation An amazing man has saved many lives.

 

Watch the Moment When ALS Patient Who Inspired the Ice Bucket Challenge Speaks With His Voice Again

 

Rants and Rabbit holes

We present a new Starcucks ad. Find out what happens when they capitulate and let EVERYONE use their restrooms.

 

Dog Abby

What do you do when your new boss insults you in the form of jokes? Read Abby’s answer here.

Doggie Dollah

 

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Lead-in music by Purple Planet

Laws and Chances – Dog Abby

Laws and Chances – Dog Abby

Dog Abby,

For ten years I worked for a good company. I was treated and compensated well, but it wasn’t in the field of my choice. I was recently offered a job in my chosen field at another company, and took it immediately. It was a dream job. Well, at least it seemed that way. As soon as I finished training, though, I was introduced to the owner who was, to put it mildly, a jerk. He made insults about me, disguised as jokes. These included jokes about my race and gender (I am a black woman, by the way). Not wanting to make waves right off the bat, I tried to simply let it go. But it has continued, to the point where I am ready to yell at him to stop.

I am not someone with a chip on my shoulder about being black or female, but I am starting to regret ever leaving my former employer. They never treated me like this! I know they would take me back in a heartbeat, but they don’t offer the kind of work this new employer does. What do I do?

Conflicted in Connecticut

Dog Abby paw print

 

Dear Conflicted,

I am not a big fan of Chihuahuas, but I would never invite one into my home and then feel it is OK to insult her! I say this about Chihuahuas because most have been mean to me, not because I am a breadist. I know, it is almost the same thing, but I am still willing to give each one a chance, which is good, because I now have two friends (Faux and Fauna) who are the most amazing Chihuahuas in the world! I do not understand why humans, who share many of the same breed traits, will be mean to each other in big groups just because of the color of their fur. I mean skin.

You said that you are to the point of being ready to yell at him to stop. Do you think that maybe you would be the first to do so? If no one has before, maybe he is just not a very smart man and does not think that he is being a jerk. I remember one time I was playing with my cat, Max, and he got really rough. He bit my ears and I did not like it one bit! I am normally very gentle with my kitties, but this time I let Max know in no uncertain terms how I felt about what he had done. He said he was sorry and did not know that he had been so rough. He never did it again, and we are still best friends. Maybe your boss is trying to be inclusive and does not realize that he is being too rough.

Mom says that people have actual laws to protect each other. She says that she is sad that these laws even have to exist, but in your case, your boss is clearly breaking them. Just like I let each Chihuahua have a chance first, I think you may need to offer your boss a chance first, and see if he takes it. If he does not, then it is time to protect yourself and everyone else who may work for him by letting him know about these laws.

One of two things will happen. The first option is that you will tell him — kindly, gently, and in a confidence — that he is being inappropriate and needs to reign it in, and he does (he may even apologize). You have then done him, you, and his future employees a great service. The second option is that you tell him — kindly, gently, and in confidence — that he is being inappropriate and needs to reign it in, and he does not. If he does not, then begin looking for another job immediately and report him to the people who know more about the laws. You will be doing him, you, and the rest of the company a great service.

With love,
Abby

Daniel Hofstein

Daniel Hofstein

Daniel Hofstein

My biggest edge is that I do not have to pander to either side of the aisle. That means I can take a hybrid approach and not be an extremist either way.”
~Daniel Hofstein

Daniel is running for Assembly District 35 Candidate under no political party (NPP). He has some amazing ideas on how we can save money from incarceration and spend it on education.

Daniel is a Toastmaster in the same club as Jim, I’ll Drink to That. He is the author of 13th Grade: Real World 101, a controversial book about acting like a grown-up in a world that teaches you stupid things instead.

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(Click the image for the full-sized flier.)

Barefoot trophies and Paper Bottles

Barefoot trophies and Paper Bottles

Catching up

Jim

Jim continues to work on his writing projects (two scripts and finishing his novel, plus our sketches and other fun stuff). He is finishing reading Philip K Dick’s novel FLOW MY TEARS, THE POLICEMAN SAID. He has many great ideas flowing right now. Is he experiencing an artistic renaissance? Stay tuned.

Mélanie

Just returned from the District 33 Toastmasters Conference where she competed in the final round of the Table Topics contest. She took third, and did it barefoot. She was proud to be part of #barefootagainstbullying

Good news

Saved by Chrome
Dog saves an entire family (shared by Abby)

Wet & Wild
Man finds a way to give back to both the needy and the environment via bottled water

Rants and Rabbit holes

Agent Orange is back, delivering his FBI know-how to the world. Based on a true story.

Dog Abby

What do you do when your boyfriend can’t keep a job? Read Abby’s answer here.

Doggie Dollah

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Lead-in music by Purple Planet