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The ONE YEAR Anniversary Special!!!

The ONE YEAR Anniversary Special!!!

Happy Anniversary!!

Has it REALLY been a year already? We decided to forego the usual format of our show and instead reminisce about our beginnings, our changes, our successes (and room for improvement), and play some of our best spoofs. We also talked about our plans and hopes for the future of our show.

When Proof offered us our own time slot on Sundays (after co-hosting on his show), we had a vague idea of what we wanted to accomplish…some political talk, maybe some interviews. Mélanie came up with the idea of DOG ABBY, which Jim thought was a silly idea, but went along with it. It has become one of Jim’s favorite parts of the show (you go, Abby!)

Eventually we decided to devote the second half of each show to an interview. Since then, we have booked authors, Vegas entertainers, political candidates of all stripes (no “gotchas” on this show, EVER!), renowned motivational speakers, you name it! The best is yet to come.

Jim has found his artistic groove again, writing spoofs and sketches for the show, which Mélanie records and produces. Jim says that he likes to take real-life situations (and stupid things politicians and pundits say) and stretch them into the absurd. He has had particular success with his character FBI Agent Orange. We played our series of Orange sketches, every single one of them based (sadly) on actual events. We also presented one of our CNN spoofs.

We then switched focus to the Dog Abby segment, which Mélanie produces. She puts herself into the mind of a Golden Retriever and helps give advice that is sweet, sensitive and simple, yet at the same time, wiser than that which most humans are equipped to give.

We are still looking for sponsors to help us upgrade our equipment and our production level. Please go to our Support Us page to find out how you can help!

Throughout the show, we received tributes from many guests and fans of the show. We are so grateful to you all…we wouldn’t be here without you! Also, special thanks to Proof Negative and Freedomizer Radio for the opportunity.

Year Two begins next week-don’t miss it!

 

Dog Abby

All three pets wanted to give advice. Abby had to step in to fix it.

Doggie Dollah

 

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Lead-in music by Purple Planet

Knights and Daze

Knights and Daze

Catching up

Jim

Jim is now writing daily! He is also reading autobiographies of and interviews with his favorite actors to get re-inspired. Currently reading a series of interviews with Al Pacino, for example.

Mélanie

Melanie is still working on her books, several of which are scheduled to be released later this year. As summer is here, she is not tutoring as much, although other work continues to occupy her time.

Good news

They said that a hockey team in Las Vegas was folly. But in their first year, the Golden Knights have made it to the Stanley Cup! 

From Jim (or more accurately, Max von Regalbeezer and Phrytzie Phluphybottom): How to Fix Group Photos With Ex-Boyfriends: Replace Him With the Family Cat!

From Melanie: In 1998, She Found A Baby Buried Alive. 20 Years Later, They Reunite

Rants and Rabbit holes

Colin Kapernick still sucks, and is even less relevant with each passing day. His name will no longer be mentioned on our show, and actually wasn’t tonight.

Moving on from whats-his-name, we present our newest sketch, a CNN spoof that takes euphemism to its logical extreme. Welcome back our old friends Don, Christianne, Monica, and General Havoc!

 

Dog Abby

What do you do if you are a football widow and your husband just doesn’t care? Read Abby’s answer here.

Doggie Dollah

 

Donate to our show to keep us in the flow!

 

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Or, become a patron on our Patreon!

 

Lead-in music by Purple Planet

Football Widow – Dog Abby

Football Widow – Dog Abby

Dog Abby,

Back in high school, I fell in love with our high school football team’s quarterback. We got married a few years after graduation. His only dream was to become a professional player, but he was injured during a college game. He has resigned himself to working an office job, which he’s doing very well at. The problem is that he hasn’t gotten over his obsession with football. During the football season, I cease to exist in his world. I am what they call a football widow. I have brought this up with him several times over the years, only to be told that that’s what I should have expected.

He is already starting to talk about the upcoming football season, and I find myself getting on edge already. What am I to do about this? I know it’s his passion, but I feel like I am a nonentity for all those months. What should I do?

Wisconsin Football Widow

Dog Abby paw print

 

Dear Widow,

Mom says that your husband is a cheesehead. I do not know what that means, but I do like cheese. I would not want my head to be made of cheese, though, so maybe she means it as an insult. Either way, you may not like my answer: your husband is right.

What I mean is that you knew who he was when you married him. Even though you were very young and may have thought that he was going to grow out of things as you got older together, that is not how humans (or dogs) work. I will always love tennis balls, no matter how old I get. I will also always want to go swimming whenever I see water. It is part of who I am, and you cannot separate these parts out just because you do not like them. You could separate me from water, but it would only make me sad. You can wish people to change, but you cannot do the changing for them, and you cannot make them do any changes for you. Not changes that will make them happy, anyway. Plus, if you are nagging someone to do or not do something that only YOU want, why would they want to spend more time with you? You sound unpleasant.

That being said, there are many things that you can do for yourself and a couple of suggestions for him to consider, too.

First of all, why did he leave football? If he had both a love and talent for it, then he should be sharing that with anyone he can. He could coach for his old high school or college. He could coach for younger kids, or he could even write books. This would make him happier and then he would not have to live vicariously through the other professional players. He would actually be a professional footballer, just not the kind he sits and watches all season — he would be out doing, which is better! I would much rather sit in a puddle myself than watch other dogs swim on a TV show.

If he is happier doing what he really wants to do, you will be happier, too. He may still be obsessed with football, like I am with tennis balls, but he will actually be doing something about it, instead of just staring at something he is not doing.

My first suggestion for you is what I saw mom do with our friend Lexy. Lexy’s husband was into watching all sports — baseball, football, even soccer — so he was really boring for many months out of the year. Instead of getting upset, Lexy got involved with the one sport she liked (baseball), and they would go to games together, either at the stadium, at other people’s houses, or at bars. They would enjoy the game and have fun together. For the other sports, Lexy would have her own parties with the other sports widows. They would drink wine, go out to play pool, paint, have barbeques, or play other games together. Even though it was just mom and me for a while, we would go to these parties and boy were they fun! The guys who were watching the sports would get jealous and join us instead.

While I love swimming and tennis balls, mom and dad like totally different things, too. OK, mom DOES love to go swimming with me, but not all of the time. There are times that mom is writing or doing art or something else, so I go swimming without her. There are times that dad is acting or reading, so mom and I go swimming without him. There are times when both mom and dad are busy, so I go swimming alone or play with my kitties. We are each happy doing our own thing. Sometimes we all go on walks together. Then, we are all happy doing things together.

What is your thing? If you do not have a thing, boy, you better find out! I suggest looking for something that you are good at and enjoy and can do during football season. Then you will not be just a wife or a football widow, you will be a full person.

With love,

Abby

Laws and Chances – Dog Abby

Laws and Chances – Dog Abby

Dog Abby,

For ten years I worked for a good company. I was treated and compensated well, but it wasn’t in the field of my choice. I was recently offered a job in my chosen field at another company, and took it immediately. It was a dream job. Well, at least it seemed that way. As soon as I finished training, though, I was introduced to the owner who was, to put it mildly, a jerk. He made insults about me, disguised as jokes. These included jokes about my race and gender (I am a black woman, by the way). Not wanting to make waves right off the bat, I tried to simply let it go. But it has continued, to the point where I am ready to yell at him to stop.

I am not someone with a chip on my shoulder about being black or female, but I am starting to regret ever leaving my former employer. They never treated me like this! I know they would take me back in a heartbeat, but they don’t offer the kind of work this new employer does. What do I do?

Conflicted in Connecticut

Dog Abby paw print

 

Dear Conflicted,

I am not a big fan of Chihuahuas, but I would never invite one into my home and then feel it is OK to insult her! I say this about Chihuahuas because most have been mean to me, not because I am a breadist. I know, it is almost the same thing, but I am still willing to give each one a chance, which is good, because I now have two friends (Faux and Fauna) who are the most amazing Chihuahuas in the world! I do not understand why humans, who share many of the same breed traits, will be mean to each other in big groups just because of the color of their fur. I mean skin.

You said that you are to the point of being ready to yell at him to stop. Do you think that maybe you would be the first to do so? If no one has before, maybe he is just not a very smart man and does not think that he is being a jerk. I remember one time I was playing with my cat, Max, and he got really rough. He bit my ears and I did not like it one bit! I am normally very gentle with my kitties, but this time I let Max know in no uncertain terms how I felt about what he had done. He said he was sorry and did not know that he had been so rough. He never did it again, and we are still best friends. Maybe your boss is trying to be inclusive and does not realize that he is being too rough.

Mom says that people have actual laws to protect each other. She says that she is sad that these laws even have to exist, but in your case, your boss is clearly breaking them. Just like I let each Chihuahua have a chance first, I think you may need to offer your boss a chance first, and see if he takes it. If he does not, then it is time to protect yourself and everyone else who may work for him by letting him know about these laws.

One of two things will happen. The first option is that you will tell him — kindly, gently, and in a confidence — that he is being inappropriate and needs to reign it in, and he does (he may even apologize). You have then done him, you, and his future employees a great service. The second option is that you tell him — kindly, gently, and in confidence — that he is being inappropriate and needs to reign it in, and he does not. If he does not, then begin looking for another job immediately and report him to the people who know more about the laws. You will be doing him, you, and the rest of the company a great service.

With love,
Abby

Barefoot trophies and Paper Bottles

Barefoot trophies and Paper Bottles

Catching up

Jim

Jim continues to work on his writing projects (two scripts and finishing his novel, plus our sketches and other fun stuff). He is finishing reading Philip K Dick’s novel FLOW MY TEARS, THE POLICEMAN SAID. He has many great ideas flowing right now. Is he experiencing an artistic renaissance? Stay tuned.

Mélanie

Just returned from the District 33 Toastmasters Conference where she competed in the final round of the Table Topics contest. She took third, and did it barefoot. She was proud to be part of #barefootagainstbullying

Good news

Saved by Chrome
Dog saves an entire family (shared by Abby)

Wet & Wild
Man finds a way to give back to both the needy and the environment via bottled water

Rants and Rabbit holes

Agent Orange is back, delivering his FBI know-how to the world. Based on a true story.

Dog Abby

What do you do when your boyfriend can’t keep a job? Read Abby’s answer here.

Doggie Dollah

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Lead-in music by Purple Planet

Jobless Faire – Dog Abby

Jobless Faire – Dog Abby

Dog Abby:

Yesterday, my boyfriend came home early from work with an all-too-familiar look on his face. He had lost his job. Again. Abby, he hasn’t been able to hold down a job for more than a year in the five years we’ve been together. He is intelligent and charming, but I’m now convinced that he is also incredibly lazy. We argued for about half an hour about it with no resolution. I admit, I simply wasn’t willing to listen to his reasons anymore. I consider them nothing but excuses now. I got in my car and drove to a motel so I could be away from him and gather my thoughts.

As I’m writing this, I am trying to decide whether to leave him, or give him another chance with severe conditions imposed. But I don’t want to come across as a mother to him, although it seems he could use one. Can you guide me in some direction?

Giving Up in Galveston

Dog Abby paw print

 

Dear Giving Up:

When I was a puppy, mom and I lived in Washington State close to the famous Green River. It is actually a very nice river, and I loved swimming in it. One of my favorite things in the world was when mom would throw one of my tennis balls far, far up the river. I would calculate how fast the current was and where I should jump in so that I could cut up against the current and meet my ball on the way down. Mom said that I was clever for figuring out all these things and that pattern recognition was a sign of intelligence. I learned that no matter how many times my mom threw the ball into the river, the speed of the current was not going to change. One year, we came to our favorite swimming spot early in the spring, just after a big storm. There was a giant tree that had fallen into the water! The river went around it, but the current had changed. It took me a couple of times to catch my ball, but I figured out the new pattern.

I do not know much about those longer words mom used, but I do see a pattern here. After five years, your boyfriend’s pattern has not changed. I do not recommend dropping a giant tree on him, but I can say that changing a river’s current or a person’s habits requires really big things. These things are not things that you can do for them.

I was not sure of the difference between giving up and giving in, and so I asked mom. She told me that they mean the same thing, which is even more confusing because up and in are not the same directions. Mom added that giving is not always a good thing, even though everyone says it is. She added that in one of her most famous speeches, she said, “A chance is not something that can be given or granted, a chance is something that you must TAKE.”

Both mom and I read your letter, and we are concerned that you are constantly giving your boyfriend chances, and he is wasting them rather than taking them. You are not taking any chances for yourself, and it might be time. Being alone is scary, but it is better to depend on yourself than to continue to depend on someone else who cannot even depend on themselves.

With Love,

Abby

BIL & Bill

BIL & Bill

Catching up

Jim

Shave and a haircut… too short! (Had a run in with some clippers a few days ago) Jim also made another concession to old age: getting reading glasses. Oh well…After hearing Philip K Dick’s speech at the end of Ancient of Days, Jim picked up a copy of his novel FLOW MY TEARS, THE POLICEMAN SAID. He is enjoying the book, and will talk about it more when he finishes it.

He also wished his dear old Mum a happy birthday. She must marvel at how the boy whose diapers she changed is now a wrinkled, balding old fart with reading glasses.

Mélanie

Melanie is getting ready for the Toastmasters contest in Bakersfield next weekend. (She shall bring it!) She is also continuing work on her books and webinars. You can find her latest Clear and Persuasive Business Writing 101 here.

 

Good news

This is insanely cool…Friends of Disabled Man Carry Him Up Mountain So He Can Go Volcano Surfing

 

Rants and Rabbit holes

Our scheduled AGENT ORANGE sketch has been postponed due to technical issues. We will play it next week! We are proud of this one.

We talked about the rise and fall of one Dr. William H. Cosby Jr. Although we believe that many of his accusers were liars, hangers-on and “serial accusers,” we know that he has admitted drugging women and having sex with them. The fact that he made his Pound Cake speech knowing that he was hardly the role model he made himself out to be was the beginning of his downfall. He was one of our favorite entertainers (Jim in particular cites Cos as a huge influence on his stand-up comedy), and this is a huge disappointment.

We also made a jab at 60 Minutes, and Fake News in general. (Our show is better —- tune in!)

 

 

Dog Abby

How does a man deal with his new girlfriend’s teenage sons? Read Abby’s answer here.

 

Special Guests: Barefoot is Legal

Starting May 4, take off your shoes to put off a bully. Join the #barefootagainstbullying Challenge!

CCW www logoVisit the BIL website here!

 

 

 

 

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Lead-in music by Purple Planet

Teenage Time vs. Dog Time – Dog Abby

by Abigail Hope 0 Comments
Teenage Time vs. Dog Time – Dog Abby

Dog Abby,

I recently met a great single woman at a church retreat. She’s intelligent, funny, and (yes) very good looking. We’ve gone out on a few dates, and I can tell she’s just as smitten with me as I am with her. The problem? She is the mother of two teenage boys. I haven’t met them yet, because she is looking for the right opportunity for us to meet. Their father, who by all indications is a good guy, is still very involved in their lives.

Abby, I never had kids of my own, and I’m not sure how we are going to get along. I’m also not sure how much of a father figure I can (or should) be to them, at least early on. I want to take it easy and let things progress naturally, but I am really nervous about this. I don’t want my nervousness to interfere with what may be a great thing. Do you have any advice?

Trembling in Trenton

Dog Abby paw print

 

Dear Trembling,

When I asked mom what a teenager was, she said that in people-years, I was not yet a teenager, but in dog-years, I am an old lady. Humans seem to live slower than dogs, yet they are always complaining about how long something takes, which is sad, since they have so much more time to enjoy the process than we dogs do. I remember when I was a puppy, mom complained that it took forever for my tail to grow out (I only had short peach fuzz on it) and how long it took for me to learn to go outside to potty. In my world, I just woke up one day with long plumes on my tail and the desire to use the doggy door. It went by so quickly, I did not remember it being any other way. Maybe puppies live faster than grown dogs, too. I bet it is the same for kids and grown-up people.

You said that your new lady friend had teenagers, and this is great. It means that the kids are almost grown up and will not really need you to be a second dad. It sounds like they already have a good dad, and this is great, too! So, not only do you have all the time you need to take it slow, but you will find that the time goes by so quickly, everything will change almost overnight.

While I sometimes get impatient waiting for mom to finish her work so that we can go to the park, I know that the more patient I am and the less I bother her, the longer our walks will be. Sometimes mom will need my help for a photo shoot or to write a part of our books. She comes to me and I do the best I can to do what she asks me to do. If you want to take long walks with this lady, then I suggest that you be patient and give her lots of time. She has a lot to do, with her kids and everything, so help her when she asks for it and do not bug her when she does not ask for your help. You will find that you have more time than you need and not enough time to enjoy it all.

Meanwhile, these teenager boys might be fun to have as friends. Just like with my kitties, if you are kind and patient, and do not try to move too fast, they will warm up to you when they see you are not a threat.

Good luck,
Abby

Cat Max – Bare Arms

Cat Max – Bare Arms

Not to be outdone by his big sister, Max wants to try his paw at answering letters. He did so well last time that we told him no.

 

…so he insisted on chiming in about current events…

 

Enjoy.

 


Greetings and salutations, my friends! For the last few months, I have been hearing Mumsy and Father discussing the constipational right to bare arms. Well, not only do I have 4 bare arms, but my front two paws even have thumbs! So I feel I am eminently qualified to discuss this right.

I must start with a serious question: What on earth would possess a human, a cat, or any other creature to forbid another to use their arms? I need all 4 of mine simply to walk around! And Father would not be able to do his myriad jobs without using both of his arms. Can you imagine writing, acting, or shooting photographs with only one arm? And how could Mumsy gesticulate in her inimitable fashion when speaking or teaching without the full use of her arms, let alone write her wonderful books? The tyranny of those who would stop my beloved parents from using both of their arms to bring home the kibble is an assault on all of the values we hold dear.

I simply cannot fathom the mentality of someone who would limit the full movement of another’s body parts, especially their arms. After all, how would I be able to cover my messes after relieving myself without the use of my…

…Mumsy just informed me that I may perhaps have misunderstood the Second Amendment. Carry on.

Sin City and Yak Blepping – Dog Abby

by Abigail Hope 0 Comments
Sin City and Yak Blepping – Dog Abby

Dog Abby,

A week ago, my wife went on a trip to Las Vegas with a few of her friends. Things were a little tight for us financially, but I wanted her to have a good time. So in addition to working out the costs for food and lodging, we worked out what I thought was a reasonable gambling budget for the five days she would be spending there. But when she got there, under the influence of her friends (and, I presume, alcohol), she not only blew through her gambling allowance in a just a few hours, but she maxed out one of our credit cards in cash advances to continue feeding the machines! This credit card was intended for emergencies only! I only found out about this when I got an alert from our bank. It took hours for her to answer her phone, and when I finally reached her and confronted her about her spending, she got defensive and said I was ruining her vacation. I shot back that she was ruining our finances. She hung up on me before we could finish the conversation. She gave me a feeble apology when she got home, but I was not in a forgiving mood, and I loudly told her so. We have hardly said a word to each other since.

Abby, I am angry as can be, but more importantly, hurt that she would disrespect me and break my trust so quickly and completely. It’s going to take at least two or three months to “right the ship” with our bills. The woman I married is just not this inconsiderate and irresponsible. Did I do something wrong? Or am I justified in having these feelings?

Seething in Seattle

Dog Abby paw print

 

Dear Seething,

We love living here in Las Vegas. There is a lot to do and people come to visit from all over. Dad has told me stories about how Las Vegas has changed over the years, but he says that there is one thing that never changed, and that is the nick-name, “Sin City.” Dogs do not understand sin, but dad says this means that people can drink, eat, and gamble 24 hours a day here and they are not allowed to at home. For most people, this is not a big deal. For others, though, it can be a huge problem. Mom says that there are some people who have what she calls addictive personalities. She says it means that some people get so excited at the possibility of “winning big” that they spend more money than they should. Winning, for some people, is very similar to drugs or drinking, or eating too much, so you can see how some people should not be surrounded by all three.

This reminds me of my cat, Max. He is really smart and my best friend. He goes on walks with me, plays with me, and he talks. A lot. Mom and dad say that he is a very good kitty. I think so too. But, there is something I have seen Max do over and over that is not a good kitty. He will eat too much, too fast. When mom or dad gives him a scoop of wet cat food, he will plow into it and then do what mom calls the, “Yak/Blep” all over the carpet. Even though he does not like doing the Yak/Blep, he still wants to eat some more right afterwards! Mom and dad always tell him no. Since Max is not very good at controlling himself, mom and dad have learned to only give Max a teeny, tiny bit at a time — enough to make him happy, but not enough to make him sick. They do not mention this to Max so that he does not get embarrassed. This may be what your wife needs.

In your letter, you did not mention if your wife had ever been Sin City before. Maybe it overwhelmed her, like if someone put out an entire can of wet food for Max. She may have liked it so much that she could not stop. It could be that she is one of the personalities mom was talking about, or it could be that she just lost control this one time. I believe that she is feeling ashamed for what she did, but when people (or cats) are confronted, they will sometimes lash out. You wrote that you called her while she was in the middle of her vacation. Can you imagine what would happen if you tried to take a meal away from a tiger while he was eating it? Max thinks he is a tiger, and he acts just like you would expect a tiger to when it comes to food. I think your wife did the same thing. She did a Yak/Blep of her budget, and then came back for the credit card. It would have been easier to quietly cancel the card and then talk to her when she returned, not when she was in the middle of it and could not stop. She dug her claws in like any tiger would do.

In your letter, you sounded surprised by your wife’s actions, and this is a good thing. This means that what happened was out of character and most likely will not happen again. Be honest with her and voice your concerns without being mean or accusative. Then, LISTEN CAREFULLY to what she has to say, and do not interrupt her. Max has a tendency to interrupt people, but mom says that is a cat thing, so people can do better. Your wife will need to get everything out, so let her. Then, and only then, will you be able to work things out. If this is a problem that she knows she has, then she should not do it anymore, or, she should only be allowed a teeny, tiny bit at a time so that she does not Yak/Blep again.

With love,

Abby

Abby at the Downtown Las Vegas sign