Max the cat

Maxamillion von Regalbeezer

(Full transcript)

We have a very special guest this evening. He is a valued member of our establishment and one of Abby’s cherished friends. He came from humble beginnings, and, despite a rough childhood, he has made himself into a social icon. While his opinions are strictly his own, we at Counter Culture Wise celebrate our differences.

Our guest tonight sent us a 37-page document on what he desired to speak about. We chucked that and will be sticking to our regular format of shameless plugs and personal questions. Please welcome, orange polydactyl dog-trainer and voice actor extraordinaire, Maximillion Von Regal Beezer.


 Hold on, let me turn on the translator.

A-hem…thank you.

Mister Regalbeezer…

…you may call me Max.

…OK, Max, before we begin, how may folks find you, should they want to know more or ask you questions on future shows?

I can be reached via my associate and spokesdog, Abigail, at

She is very good about forwarding me my correspondences.

 Great. Thanks. Max, we know your life story, but I am sure the listening audience would be interested in learning more about your origins.

I was a sickly young kitten when I was taken in as a foster by Abigail. James and Mélanie saw to my every need – including an embarrassing amount of medication and dropper-feeding, until I was able to make it on my own. Abigail, of course, would soon become my confidante and best friend.

 We ended up adopting you and keeping you. How do you feel about your life so far?

I highly recommend the fostering programs out there, and hope to establish a more robust one here in Nevada. There is no reason to kill innocent children just because their mothers abandoned them. We all need a chance. I stuck with Abigail and the humans because we made an excellent team. They listen to every word I say and meet my every request post-haste. One has no complaints.

 That being said, my decision to move the family from Seattle to Las Vegas was indeed a good one.

 That’s right. How have you adapted to the climate in the dessert?

 I was not yet a year old when we packed up and moved, so I have little memory of the soggy, snowy, cold, moldy Pacific NW. There are pictures of me in the snow that I will not allow the press to release…

 Let’s talk about the world of humans. I know you have paid close attention to the recent elections and the contentious atmosphere that resulted.

 Yes, cats are very insightful.

 Are you a republicat or a democat?

 I am a catatonic, much like the rest of the voters. I will, however say, that I do love our president’s orange hair. He makes a similar fashion statement to my own, and as you all know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 I am all for improving the economy and lowering taxes so that I can continue with my premium organic grain-free diet and will never be forced to eat rubbish such as Purina again. While Abigail says she has no issues with Chihuahuas, I, frankly, would be happy if they were all deported and chucked over a tall wall. So, we do agree on a few fronts.

 Of course, I am a cat, so by definition, I will always be an Independent.

Like most of our guests, I understand that you are working on a project. Would you like to tell us about it?

 Why, yes! After the great success of the book, Nose-to-Nose Networking, Abigail and I are working with our secretary Mélanie Hope to write not one, not two, but three follow-up books that will teach about marketing, customer service, and making friends. We hope to release them by year’s end.

 Um…Max…I’m NOT your secretary.

 With all due respect, you ARE the one typing the thing! I mean I *do* have thumbs and am quite capable of doing so, but why should I when I have people to do it?

Fair enough. Let’s switch gears. We talk a lot about happiness and how it is a choice. What makes you happy?

 I am more or less in a constant state of happiness. I am surrounded by those I care about and care about me — of all colors, genders, and species.

Frankly, the only time I ever get truly agitated is when a door presumes to be shut in my presence. I have only faced lack of treats once. It was horrific, but I overcame. I enjoy walkies with Abigail at the park and we hang together by the pool. I particularly like lying in the rainbows made by the sunshine through the glass blocks in the front room. I have many creative pursuits, for instance, I recently projectile-vomited a large hairball under the pool table. Given the sounds made by both humans, it was a successful installation.

 Yes, thanks for that. Do you have any advice for our listeners?

Of course I do! Happiness, as James and Mélanie have often said, is a choice. Choose to be happy! Choose to surround yourself with love and peace and happiness. Life is too short to allow yourself to be down all the time.

Above all else, make your voice be heard. Sing out whenever you can, particularly in the middle of the night, when it is darkest before the dawn. Of course, once the household is awakened, you may then commence with naptime.

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