The big news this week is that Donald J. Trump is the first president to fully and totally unite the citizens of this fine country, and he did so via his mugshot. While the vapid left cheers at the total destruction of the justice system as we know it, the right sees it as a rallying cry leading to his inevitable reelection.
And both sides want the T-shirt.
Fulton County District Attorney Fani T. Willis is known for dusting off the RICO act to prosecute dozens of rappers and alleged gang members, serving each with a minimum of 40 charges to ensure they’re stuck in the system. She used the exact, same tactic on Trump, so it seems that orange is, indeed, the new black.
The court clearly needed to get a mugshot because Donald Trump, who owns a 747 with “Trump Force One” painted on the side, is a flight risk who could blend in just about anywhere and escape justice.
I swear I am not making this up.
Willis also arrested all of Trump’s lawyers for the crime of practicing law.
When asked how it felt being a tyrant who prosecutes his political rivals, Biden smiled creepily and said that Trump’s mugshot showed he is a handsome guy. He then said, while a small trickle of drool ran down his face, he wished Trump would use strawberry essence shampoo.
On the same day, the Banana-Biden Republic’s DOJ came after Elon Musk for not illegally hiring illegal immigrants, which they must illegally do, per Federal law.
In hopes of (ahem) FORTIFYING another election, assuming Trump isn’t Epsteined before the primaries, the Biden Regime is already planning the return of covid lockdowns and mask mandates so they can mass mail ballots, just in time, again.
Several California cities and many colleges never gave in to the Pandemic Panic Pause and still require vaccine passports and masks. Airlines are whispering about again forcing useless masks on everyone, because overcharging you to strip down and unpack in return for abysmal customer service and canceled flights isn’t humiliating enough. Remember, folks, this is a zero point zero two percent deadly virus that can withstand four boosters, but can’t get through your rhinestone “juicy” mask.
Meanwhile, the Whitehouse is urging everyone to get yet another booster shot because Pfizer’s profits have plummeted.
The plan is to synch ineffective boosters with bogus Trump indictments so you’ll always know what number we’re on.
Biden did, indeed, make the trip to Maui, mainly to throw salt on their wounds and demonstrate why his headshot is next to the word “twat” in the dictionary. While he smirked and mumbled his way through yet another condescending dementia-addled string of nonsense, he compared the government burning their children alive to — and I swear I am not making this up — a small kitchen fire that almost threatened his classic Corvette. As if it weren’t about him ENOUGH, he went on to retell the story of losing his daughter and first wife after she ran a stop sign, mentioned that black hole that he always does when he lies about his son Beau, and then went on to crack jokes as he walked around the charred grounds. He topped off the visit by falling asleep during the memorial service.
Ron DeSantis fired his entire campaign staff and apparently hired Hillary Clinton’s. Conservatives in general have been upgraded from a “basket of deplorables” to “listless vessels.” Great way to pander to your party, there, Ronny!
In unrelated news, Vivek Ramiswamy has gone from the number two spot to the number one spot after he wiped the floor with all the other non-Trump candidates in the debate.
Trump sat the whole circus out by hanging with Tucker Carlson on Twitter-X-X-Twitter, where they got more views than the debates and all other networks combined.
While race and gender wars, out-of-control inflation, and the very real threat of nuclear war have driven many Americans to drink, Biden’s Alcohol Czar (no, I swear that’s a real thing) feels that we should limit ourselves to only two beers a WEEK. These recommendations are based on what they’re doing in Canada, because Canada is always smiled upon as a free and innovative country.
These are, of course, merely guidelines…for now…
Meanwhile, in Russia, where Putin was absolutely NOT holding and torturing Yevgeny Prigozhin after his attempted coup, the Wagner group leader (remember, these are mercenaries recruited out of Russian gulags) reportedly died in a totally unexpected plane crash. The Kremlin denies any role in the plane’s sudden, mid-air explosion, which just happened to be caught on film.
Uh huh. Sure.
For CCW News, this has been Holy Crap, This is Actually Happening.
I’m Chuck U. Farley.
Good night, and may God help us.