Holy Crap, This is Actually Happening — Swift Resolutions Edition, February 8, 2024


1

The big news this week is that the EU is literally covered in manure and mostly on fire. Authorities only noticed the difference because it was actual Europeans crapping on their own country for a change.

 

Spanish farmers blockade roads, joining EU peers’ protests

Farmers’ protests have erupted across Europe. Here’s why

 

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2

In other European news, King Charles has been diagnosed with cancer. Reports are that the tumor itself is benign, but Camilla has been malignant since 1970.

 

King Charles diagnosed with cancer, Buckingham Palace says

 

King Charles and Queen Camilla’s Relationship Timeline

 

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3

Several foreign invaders jumped police officers in New York City and, thanks to Democrat leadership, were immediately released back on the streets without bail. They showed their respect for their host city by flipping off reporters and officers on their way out.

 

Reports are that they are headed to California, where they will never face such inconveniences as actually getting arrested, even temporarily, for committing violent crimes.

 

4 migrants accused of assaulting NYPD officers were arrested and released. Now, they’re California-bound, a source says

 

Migrants take bus to California after arrest for beating NYPD cops outside Times Square shelter

 

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4

Speaking of the socialist Republic of California, border jumpers can quickly qualify for Medicaid, which means that, as of January 1 of this year, more than 700,000 illegals are now eligible for taxpayer-funded sex changes.

 

We looked it up, folks. This isn’t satire.

 

California Paying for Illegal Migrants to Gender Transition Sparks Fury

 

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5

In the “well, DUHHHH” department, The United Nations, in league with several NGOs, has been exposed for facilitating mass migrant trafficking into the US. The Biden cabal, in solidarity with the slaverunners, is working hard to ensure that plenty of taxpayer dough will be allocated to these organizations.

 

United Nations Exposed for Facilitating Mass Migrant Trafficking Into the US

 

Cameras Catch Mysterious SUVs Delivering Immigrants Directly to Gap in Border Fence

 

Elon Musk calls out $2.3 billion allocated to NGO personnel facilitating ‘illegal immigration’ in border bill

 

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6

In a move that can only be considered self-flagellation, Nikki Haley put herself up in the farce of a Nevada primary, a state that picks its candidate via caucus, not primary. Of course, President Donald Trump was not included in the shenanigans.

 

Even with massive support from her fellow Democrats, Haley was only able to garner 30% of the votes and yet still lost overwhelmingly to — literally — “None of these candidates,” who got 63%.

 

Your nobody called today, Nikki. Do you think you’re being clever?

 

Nevada primary replay: Nikki Haley faces embarrassing defeat

 

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7

Among many controversies, one of which is her absolute inability to do her  job effectively, long-standing nepotism hire, Ronna McDaniel, says she will be stepping down from her position as RNC Chairwoman. Since she has a bit of an issue with truthiness, we’ll see if she goes through with it.

 

Ronna McDaniel, R.N.C. Chairwoman, Plans to Step Down

 

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8

In the Democrat camp, after the Corpse in Chief took 89% of the votes in the Nevada primary, Marianne Williamson suspended her presidential campaign, to which the country responded, “Wait, she was running again?”

 

Marianne Williamson suspends presidential campaign

 

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9

The US has set the bar so low for calling any- and everything an insurrection that most of the world has forgotten what one might really look like. Liberals have become so adept at rigging elections, that the world has forgotten what a fair election might look like, too. But, if there’s one thing the current administration has exemplified — more so than Hitler or even Stalin — it’s how to relentlessly persecute your political rivals, rather than consider the desires of millions of your citizens. Smaller nations are following suit.

 

This week, Brazil has seized the passports of their former president Bosonaro and most of his cabinet due to an ongoing investigation into a bunch of unarmed, flag-waving protesters occupying a building, resulting in zero casualties or changes in power — or what the current administration has labeled a “coup d’état.”

 

Brazil police seize former prez Bolsonaro’s passport, arrest close aides amid alleged coup investigation

 

Brazil Police Raid Bolsonaro and Allies Over Attempted Coup

 

‘We Will Die for Brazil’: How a Far-Right Mob Tried to Oust Lula

 

Brazil: Chronicles of a frustrated coup

 

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10

The Dementia Dictator has gotten us into yet ANOTHER hot war, and he still hasn’t done a damned thing about the border, but he is trying to lower our grocery costs by calling grocery stores big meanies and demanding they magically fix the economy he’s broken by going broke themselves.

 

As promised, he is also trying to unite the country, and he’s doing this by having his handlers quote ELMO on the X platform. I swear. I am not making this up.

 

The socialist media is spreading a conspiracy theory that that Trump supporters are afraid of Taylor Swift because her boyfriend will win the Superbowl and use it as an opportunity to endorse Biden, thus enabling an epic win as brain-dead Swifties turn up by the millions to drool on their ballots, just like man himself.

 

This is real, ladies and gentlemen: the supposed leader of the free world is quoting a puppet while Pravda pretends neither a Superbowl nor an election could be rigged…because THAT’s never happened before.

 

Given that —literally— every one of Swift’s songs is about choosing the wrong man, should she come out in support of Biden, this reporter stands firmly behind her endorsement.

 

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For CCW News, this has been Holy Crap, This is Actually Happening.

 

I’m Chuck U. Farley.

Good night, and may God help us.

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