Holy Crap, This is Actually Happening — Malarky, Tomfoolery, and Monkeyshines Edition, April 21, 2024


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The big news this week is the continuation of the sham Trump trial in New York City. After defying his gag order, buying everyone at a Chick-fil-A their dinner, and nonchalantly raising over a million dollars in small donations during the first day, the only way anyone could out-shine Trump was to set themselves on fire.

Donald Trump Raises Over $1 Million on First Day of Trial

Man Sets Himself on Fire Near Courthouse Where Trump Is on Trial

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Meanwhile, with the help of an army of RINOs, the House passed yet another ridiculous bill — $95 BILLION to be exact — to protect everyone else’s borders but our own.

House passes $95 billion foreign aid package for Ukraine, Israel, Taiwan

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Amazon wowed the world with their better-than-self-checkout technology that allowed shoppers to simply put their chosen merchandise in their purses, bags, or carts and walk right out of the store. With Amazon’s cutting-edge tech, they’d know exactly what you took and what to charge your account. How did they perform this witchcraft, you might ask? Their advertised advanced AI? An intricate combination of magnets and 5G? Lasers?

No, it turns out they have a staff in India who watches the instant replays and charges accordingly.

I swear, I am not making this up.

Amazon’s Just Walk Out technology relies on hundreds of workers in India watching you shop

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As if having the federal government out to get you isn’t enough, RFK Junior’s own family betrayed him. Fifteen members of the extended Kennedy family endorsed King Brandon over their own brother because he doesn’t have a chance and ORANGE MAN BAD. His sister, Kerry Kennedy, quipped, “I chose to endorse Joe Biden because his record more closely fits the ideology and legacy of the Kennedy name. Frankly, Bobby Jr. just doesn’t fit in. He pays attention to science, isn’t actively laundering any money, and hasn’t even drowned a single secretary.”

Kennedy family brushes off RFK Jr.’s campaign as they endorse Biden

Biden, in counter to RFK Jr., gets endorsement of other Kennedy family members

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Finally, the Braindonor in Chief had a banner week as he regaled us with such quips as, “Are you ready to choose freedom over democracy?” (after which, the audience clapped like seals in a circus). He bragged, “I made it clear to the Israelis, don’t move on Haifa,” which is an easy task, as Haifa IS in Israel. Finally, while shambling through Pennsylvania, King Brandon told several whoppers, including his promise that no one making over $400,000 will pay a cent more in taxes. He backed up his totally believable statement by saying he, himself has never made that amount of money — even though his public tax returns reveal he not only made much more than that, but sometimes in the 10s of millions. Oh, yes, and let’s not forget that $400,000 happens to be EXACT amount of the annual salary of the President of the United States. Did he forget, or is he trying to tell us something?

The cherry on the hot fib sundae was a spine-tingling fever dream in which Joe’s uncle, Ambrose Finnegan, whom he somehow called “Uncle Bosey” — even though they never actually met — joined the military on D Day, June 6, 1944 — even though he died on May 14, 1944 — was shot down while flying a single-engine plane — even though he wasn’t a pilot, the plane was an A-20 bomber, and it went down due to mechanical problems — and was eaten by cannibals in New Guinea — which would have required cannibals with SCUBA gear, since the plane went down at sea. Biden told this titanically tall tale not once, but twice on the same day.

Whitehouse press secretary, Jean-Luc Diversity Hire, chalked up the ridiculous ruses to Biden having a QUOTE “emotional moment.” END QUOTE.

I swear I am not making this up.

And what was the Associated Press’s take on the Cabbage in Chief’s meandering mendaciousness? QUOTE: “Biden is off on details of his uncle’s WWII death as he calls Trump unfit to lead the military.”

Biden takes heat over gaffe urging Americans to ‘choose freedom over democracy:’

Biden confuses Israeli city with Rafah in Gaza in shocking gaffe: ‘Don’t move on Haifa’

Joe Biden’s Tax Returns Show More Than $15 Million in Income After 2016

Fact check: Biden makes false and misleading claims during Pennsylvania campaign swing

2nd Lt. Ambrose J. Finnegan, Jr.

Papua New Guinea leader blasts Biden for claiming his uncle was eaten by cannibals

AP’s Take on the Biden Cannibal Story Is Everything Wrong With Media

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For CCW News, this has been Holy Crap, This is Actually Happening.

I’m Chuck U. Farley.

Good night, and may God help us.

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