Holy Crap, This is Actually Happening — Cinco de Mayday Edition, May 8, 2024


Pro-Hamas protestors need more brown people, apparently, but at least they’re not xenophobic like most of the East, according to the Cabbage in Chief. Thomas Massie dodges Ukrainian flags on the floor, but might still go to jail for reading the Bible. Biden continues his election meddling, though it seems to be melting like his face. Still, he struggles to maintain eye contact with the plebs. The US absolutely, positively has no boots on the ground in Gaza (wink).

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Holy Crap, This is Actually Happening! Scary but True Edition, All Hallow’s Eve, 2023


The three little terrorists lived in a straw house with wolves only huffing and puffing and nothing else. Who the hell is Mike Johnson? US college students go full Hitler Youth. Pfizer hides all the things you knew Pfizer was hiding. Oregon is dumb, but we knew that; just look at Portland. RFK ducks the CIA, for what it’s worth.

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Holy Crap, This is Actually Happening — Aloha Snackbar Edition, October 22, 2023


We still don’t have a speaker, and nobody cares. Hamas needs to be wiped from the planet but dumb college students disagree. Tlaib and BLM are terrorists, but you’ll be arrested for pointing that out (we’re certainly shadow banned for that). The Cabbage in Chief’s handlers want more and more and more and more and more. Screw 1A, 2A, and any other A that get in the way. Meanwhile, Russia has employed dolphins and Biden’s face is a phallus.

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